It takes more than ten years and his last year in high school for Hajime to understand. When he passes by a group of girls, a whispered secret filters through their giggles like sunlight through an ocean of emerald-singing leaves. 

“He’s so intimidating! I’m scared.” – “No wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend.” 

On their way home, Hajime tells Tooru about the conversation. The late autumn wind has gotten sharp and cold, gold dancing along the horizon where the sun sinks into slumber above the smoke-filled town. Tooru’s hair glows like sweet caramel, and the arch of his fingertips dances in soft circles over Hajime’s wrist.

“Scary, they said?” 

“Yeah.” Hajime presses closer to him, his arm sliding around Tooru’s waist, natural, year-long habit having grown into a beloved tradition. 

“I see.” Tooru smiles, soft as the upcoming frost from the north. “I think they lied to you, Hajime. It’s not you that they’re scared of.” 

A cold breeze whirls over the street. Hajime watches the darkness twitching around the corner of Tooru’s mouth. His body is pliant and his lips gasp when Tooru suddenly hauls him close, pressing a rough kiss onto him, into him, burning on his mouth and licking at his tongue and throat. 

“I guess you’re right,” Hajime croaks when Tooru pulls back. “Of course I am!” Is all that Tooru chirps back, face alight and grinning like seconds before. 

When Tooru falls asleep against his shoulder that night, Hajime carefully brushes his hair back and looks at his face. The realization comes slow, but somehow, it’s not a surprise. Tooru has always known whom he’s wanted, how, when and how badly. 

Fear is a powerful thing, Hajime thinks, closing his eyes and listening to Tooru’s breath. 

Or maybe it’s just that he loves so fiercely that the man who’s a beast to others becomes a saint to him. 

“You know, there’s a saying about how you’re supposed to kiss someone when it’s midnight on New Year’s eve, because then your love will last forever.”

Hajime wonders why he’s even agreed to celebrate the new year with his own and Tooru’s family. It just ends in him having to put up with shit like this. For example, Tooru standing next to him in a wa coat and fluffy scarf, looking adorable and beautiful while the countdown is being chanted by their dads and their moms and siblings get the fireworks ready.

“Stop it already.” Hajime kicks against a pebble and buries both hands in the pockets of his jacket.

Tooru’s lips curve into a smile, but it looks false and bittersweet as the chocolate mousse they’ve had aftet dinner. “What, Hajime? Don’t you understand what I mean? That I just want a chance to-”

“Yeah, to kiss my sister, alright. I got that. Everyone fucking knows, stop dropping hints at me and coming over to see her all the time.” He’s not even mad anymore. Hajime doesn’t look at the sky, doesn’t care about the first fireworks flying already. He feels stupid, so dumb, how could he love someone like Tooru who keeps so many girls on each hand –

“You are terrible. Terribly, amazingly, impossibly dense.”

“Huh?”

But Hajime can’t shoot the insult on his tongue at Tooru. Because the fireworks go off his a satisfying hiss, roaring up into the night sky and exploding into gold and crimson and gleaming purple on ink-black velvet. Because their families yell and hug each other, because Hajime’s mom winks at him, because –

– this wonderful, infuriating boy is kissing Hajime on his lips, cold on warm, trembling and shy and perfect. Because Tooru doesn’t pull away afterwards to laugh it off but instead looks at Hajime with fireworks-reflecting eyes and stars in his hair, licking his lips and giggling a nervous:

“I kinda really don’t want to kiss your sister. ‘Cause, you know. There’s this boy that I like, and… it’d be pretty cool if we could try and last for-”

“-ever. Shut up.”

Hajime pulls Tooru’s soft, cold face into the trembling frame of his hands and kisses all bittersweet chocolate off his mouth, until the sky fades from black to pink and red and morning.

Tooru lies as naturally as he breathes. Years ago, when they were still children and far too naive and innocent, Hajime used to get upset about it. He remembers screaming and stomping his foot when Tooru said something untrue, and he knows that Tooru yelled something back that has stayed in Hajime’s mind, burnt into the core of his soul. 

“I just lie ‘cause I want you to be happy.” 

It hasn’t changed. 

“I’m fine, Hajime.” Tooru smiles as if he’s just won the lottery, all white teeth and sweat on his forehead from hard training. Hajime’s hands wrap the bandage around his knee in practiced motions. “Of course,” he replies. 

“I don’t need your help. Honestly, I don’t need this from you. You don’t have to treat me like I’m fragile or something, it’s not like I’m going to break.” 

“Done.” Hajime shuts him up with a soft press of their lips. They rarely kiss during training, so Tooru’s breath comes to a sharp halt. His eyes are molten amber when Hajime pulls back, fingers touching Tooru’s warm cheek. 

“I know you don’t need me,” Hajime says. His lies are bad, obvious, as if a bird was trying to use its wings for swimming. But Tooru still leans against the warm touch of Hajime’s hand and nods. “Yeah. I don’t. Let’s go and play.”

Tooru’s lies are perfect, except for Hajime. However intricate and delicately planned the castle of Tooru’s illusion may ever be, however hard he tries – Hajime finds a gap to push his hand through, and rest it onto Tooru’s heart. Maybe Tooru will never speak the truth. 

Hajime doesn’t care. He reads Tooru’s wishes from the light in his eyes, and that amber-gold has never betrayed him once. They will be fine. 

“I feel like I’ve been your boyfriend forever.” 

Maybe Hajime intended for his words to sound romantic, but in Tooru’s head they ring all possible alarm bells. He jolts up from where he’s been resting his head on Hajime’s stomach, lazily eating some chocolate and wearing the most hideous aliens-and-Christmas sweater ever. 

Hajime gives him an amused grin. “What? You alright there? I just said that it feels like we’ve been together for like, an eternity.” 

“Are you bored with me?” This isn’t a joke, not to Tooru. He bites his lip, licking off the rest of sugar and whole milk chocolate, staring at his boyfriend. The snow outside falls in silence. Christmas is tomorrow, and they enjoy the last calm hours before both of their families come over and bring boasting life into the flat.

Hajime watches Tooru’s concerned face for a second. 
“Well? Are you? You sound like you’re fed up.” Tooru begins to fidget. He reaches for Hajime’s cheeks, tea-cup-warmed fingers tracing his lover’s jaw. The worried line of his brows soften. “I love you, you kno-”

“I know! God, that’s not. Okay. Listen.” Hajime sighs, lips curling into a grin. “This is going to be embarrassing. Don’t interrupt me.” 

And Tooru listens, mouth slightly open, as his boyfriend sits up and kisses his forehead. “I just meant that I feel like I know what an eternity with you feels like already. We’ve been doing this relationship-thing for some time. And… I think… that a ‘forever’ with you sounds like the best future I could wish for.”

Tooru is glad that their families are only coming over tomorrow. That way, he can spend his entire evening curled on Hajime’s lap, hands cradling his face like he’s a star fallen from the sky, and Tooru’s lips pressing snow-soft kisses onto his mouth with a whisper of “yes, yes, I want us to be forever”.

Tooru honestly never expected the day to come. He’s just never taken Hajime for someone who’s even interested in something like romance, or actual love. So he’s more than just a little surprised when Hajime enters the classroom, flops down on the chair next to him and says: “I have a date after school.”

“Oh,” Tooru says. His chest hurts all of a sudden. “That’s nice.” 

“Are you happy for me?” Hajime watches him, arms crossed, something like a smirk playing on his lips. He’s probably really happy, Tooru thinks. And I’m a terrible person for wanting to know why a stupid, annoying girl is better than me.

“Yes,” is what he presses out, forced, but with a smile that flashes over his lips last-second. “Of course I am! Heh, you managed to find a cute one, didn’t you?”

“You could say that.” Hajime’s grin widens. He turns towards the blackboard and doesn’t say anything else as their teacher enters the classroom. Tooru feels like crying. He’s so stupid. He’s had his chance. Outside, snow starts to fall. 

Training goes so-so that day. He’s not having one of his better days, and the team notices. Nobody calls him out on it. Hajime plays like a young god (but doesn’t he always, Tooru catches himself swooning), and he still wears that goddamn beautiful smile when they’re already in the changing room. 

Tooru only notices that he’s alone with Hajime when he’s finished dressing. He turns around and Hajime stands there, opening the door to the snow-dotted sky, grey and white fluff. “C’mon,” he says. “We need to get going.” 

“Right. Your date.” Tooru hates how small his voice is, how vulnerable. He clings to the strap of his bag and stares at the ground while walking past Hajime. 

A warm, rough hand slips into his own. Hajime curls his thumb around Tooru’s freezing wrist and gently strokes along his skin. The touch sends sparks down his spine, but he doesn’t understand, why – why – 

“Let’s go. I don’t wanna spend our first date out in the cold.” The clumsy kiss that is pressed to Tooru’s cheek moments later touches the corner of his mouth, and Tooru feels like he could fly. Hajime’s voice has gone scratchy. “’Cause, you know. I got a date with someone really cute. His name’s Tooru.”

“You’re – t-terrible.” And now there are tears on his cheeks, wet and stupid and Hajime kisses them off, a tremble in his lips that tells a story about being nervous and afraid and gathering all courage that he has and god, Tooru loves him. “I know,” Hajime smiles. “Let’s go.” – “Y-yeah. Okay.” 

Tooru follows, his fingers warm and safe in Hajime’s grip.